Don’t Nag—Brag Instead
Trying to change your spouse through constant critique or repeated correction rarely works. In fact, nagging often turns into background noise—irritating and easily ignored. It’s not an effective relational strategy.
A far more powerful approach is encouragement. Compliment, affirm, and build up your spouse intentionally. Scripture calls us to be thankful in all circumstances, avoid complaining, and focus on what is good (Philippians 4:8). When I intentionally notice and verbalize the things Brad does well, he responds with more effort and joy. Put simply: bragging works—nagging doesn’t.
Let me give you a real-life example. I value a tidy and organized home. Brad, on the other hand, would probably be fine living in chaos. When we were dating, his carpet was layered with black dog hair—and I once found a hair frozen inside an ice cube in my drink!
Fast forward to today: when I affirm his efforts around the house, Brad responds by doing more. And he does it with a better attitude. When I nag, sure—he’ll still do things—but it feels different. There’s resistance. But when I lead with affirmation and make criticism secondary, he’s more engaged, and our marriage feels like a team effort.
This doesn’t mean you can’t have open and honest conversations. It means cultivating a tone and atmosphere that inspires your spouse to win—not feel like they’re always losing.
Action Step: The 21-Day Affirmation Challenge
For the next 21 days, focus exclusively on affirming your spouse. Every day, point out something they’re doing well. It could be how they interact with the kids, how they work hard at their job, or something as simple as the way they made your coffee just right. Watch the shift it brings to your relationship. If it makes a difference (and I believe it will), make affirmation a regular rhythm in your marriage.
A Word to Pastors and Church Leaders
As a leader, your marriage sets the tone for your ministry. People are watching how you love your spouse, how you communicate, and how you resolve conflict. A strong, grace-filled marriage can be one of the most powerful sermons you’ll ever preach.
Pastors, don’t neglect your own marriage in the name of serving others. Your spouse is not just your partner—they’re your first ministry. Take time to affirm them. Celebrate their strengths in private and in public. Let your marriage be a source of rest, not just another area that needs “leadership.”
Encourage the couples in your congregation to practice affirmation over criticism. Consider incorporating the 21-day affirmation challenge into a sermon series or marriage workshop. Remind your church that strong marriages make strong families—and strong families make strong churches.
Above all, lead by example. Your intentionality at home speaks louder than your eloquence in the pulpit.
Marilyn Rhoads is co-founder of Grace Marriage.
Marilyn Rhoads is co-founder of Grace Marriage.