My wife, Marilyn, is the most agreeable, deferential, and kind person I have ever met. She is consistently more concerned about my well-being than her own. It’s truly remarkable—and a clear reflection of Christ in her.
However, I must be cautious. Marilyn is so gracious and focused on others that she can assure me our marriage is going well, even when I’m not loving her as well as I should. Her generous spirit can lead her to give me more credit than I actually deserve.
This is why we can’t rely solely on our spouse’s self-assessment to determine the health of our marriage. Instead, we need to take personal responsibility and ask ourselves:
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Am I making time to spend significant, undistracted time with my spouse each week?
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Am I more encouraging and affirming than critical and demanding?
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Do I offer grace, or do I dwell on my spouse’s shortcomings?
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Does my spouse feel truly prioritized—above all things except my relationship with Jesus?
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Do I ask thoughtful questions and show genuine interest in their life?
While your spouse’s perspective is valuable, the answers to these questions often reveal a more accurate picture of your marriage’s health.
So how do we know if we’re truly loving as God has commanded, or if we’ve shifted into spiritual and relational “cruise control”? Jesus taught that love is more than sentiment—it’s action, sacrifice, and intentionality. We know we’re loving well when we’re consistently choosing to serve, listen, repent, and grow. When our love costs us something—comfort, pride, time—and we give it joyfully, we reflect Christ’s love. But when we default to minimal effort, assume everything is fine, or use our spouse’s grace as an excuse to coast, we’re no longer loving as God has called us to.
True love requires ongoing, Spirit-led examination. It asks more of us, not less, especially when things seem to be going well. Don’t let agreeableness lull you into complacency. Let it challenge you to love deeper, lead humbly, and pursue your spouse the way Christ pursues us.
Romans 12:9-10 (ESV):
“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.”
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Outdo one another in showing honor – a powerful challenge for spouses not to settle into “cruise control,” but to continually pursue one another with humility and sacrificial love.
A Word to Pastors and Church Leaders
As ministry leaders, it’s easy to pour ourselves out for the church while unintentionally neglecting the very covenant that reflects Christ and His bride—our own marriages. Many of us are married to incredibly gracious, faithful spouses who carry much of the relational weight quietly and sacrificially. Don’t mistake their grace for a green light to coast. Lean into intentional love, not just public faithfulness but private pursuit.
Also, as shepherds of God’s people, we have a unique opportunity—and responsibility—to speak openly about these hidden dynamics in marriage. Encourage your congregations not just to aim for “peace” or “survival” in their marriages, but for intentional, Christ-honoring love that reflects the gospel. Teach them how to evaluate marital health not only by the absence of conflict but by the presence of pursuit, grace, and spiritual leadership.
Help couples ask the harder questions—and remind them that genuine love is more than harmony. It’s holiness.
