I recently took my fourteen-year-old daughter out to dinner. At first, the conversation was awkward and minimal. I asked questions, but her answers were short. I told a few stories to make her laugh, but her response was, “That’s weird.”
But then something changed.
Thanks to the slow service, we had more time to sit—and eventually, talk. About thirty minutes in, she began opening up. By the end of dinner, she was freely sharing her thoughts and opinions. The key wasn’t the questions I asked—it was the time we spent together.
Connection Happens in Time, Not Just in Talk
In a world buzzing with noise and distraction, real connection requires presence over performance. You don’t have to be the perfect communicator or have the perfect date night plan. You just need to be there—and stay there.
I’ve seen this with another daughter as well. She can be reserved at first, but after two or three hours of just hanging out, the tea starts to spill. Authentic conversation doesn’t come on demand. It’s a result of shared, unhurried time.
How This Translates to Marriage
The same principle applies in marriage.
So many couples assume something’s wrong if conversation doesn’t flow easily. But sometimes, we’re just not giving it enough time. Just like my daughter needed time to feel comfortable enough to open up, your spouse may need more than ten minutes at the dinner table or quick check-ins between errands.
Time builds safety. Safety builds openness. Openness builds intimacy.
When you intentionally spend quality, undistracted time with your spouse, you create a space where deeper communication can naturally grow.
What Can We Learn for Our Marriages?
Here are three key takeaways from this simple parenting moment:
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Be Patient: Deep connection takes time. Don’t rush it.
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Be Present: Eliminate distractions—especially phones.
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Be Consistent: Make time together a weekly habit, not a rare treat.
Action Step: Make Time Count
Block out at least one three-hour window each week to spend time with your spouse—just the two of you, with no phones, no outside interruptions, and no agenda.
It may feel quiet or unproductive at first, but that quiet might be the very space your marriage needs to thrive. Over time, this rhythm can strengthen every area of your relationship—from communication to trust to joy.
A Word to Pastors and Church Leaders
As pastors and church leaders, we often pour out so much energy caring for others that we forget to care for the one person we vowed to cherish the most—our spouse.
You encourage marriages every week from the pulpit, but your example speaks even louder. Don’t let the urgency of ministry rob your marriage of the time it deserves.
Encouragement for You:
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Block a sabbath for your marriage, not just your ministry.
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Model intentional time with your spouse for your staff and congregation to see.
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Preach this principle—but also live it, imperfectly and faithfully.
Ways to Encourage Your Congregation:
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Include reminders in sermons or bulletins to spend quality, tech-free time together.
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Host “no-agenda” marriage nights at your church where couples simply spend time with each other.
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Share testimonies of couples who’ve seen growth through intentional time.
When your marriage is nurtured, your ministry becomes even more authentic, relatable, and impactful.
