CAN I GET MY SPOUSE TO SPEND LESS MONEY?
WHY FIGHTING OVER FINANCES IS COMMON IN MARRIAGES
For me, the stress of spending often outweighs any benefit it provides. Does our living room really need new curtains? Can we keep the thermostat a little lower in winter—say, 66 degrees instead of 70? A potluck at home with friends is much cheaper than going out to eat. Is it really worth splurging on a coffee-shop latte when we could make coffee at home? These are just some of the questions that go through my head almost daily.
My wife, Marilyn, sees things differently. Updating our 15-year-old living room décor, keeping the house cozy in winter, enjoying a modest weekend trip, and occasionally grabbing a treat out are all worth the cost to her. I’m not throwing her under the bus—she’s incredibly frugal overall—but she values different things than I do.
So, what happens in our marriage? I try to be thoughtful and generous, accommodating the things she values. But over time, my inner frugal frustrations build up until I eventually express them in a way that comes across as accusatory or harsh. Marilyn feels this is unfair, and honestly, she’s right—it is unfair.
The solution that we (and many other couples) need to work on involves more honest discussions and better unity in managing finances. While Marilyn and I have a strong marriage, we’re not always the best role models when it comes to financial teamwork. That’s why we’ve developed a new plan to do better together.
OUR PLAN FOR MONEY AND MARRIAGE
- Budgeting Together
First, we’re committing to creating a monthly budget together. I’ll agree to spend a little more than I’m comfortable with, while Marilyn will aim to spend less than she might want. - Communicating Honestly
We’ll talk openly about any major expenses before making them. For example, I’ll avoid silently agreeing to something and then stewing about it later. Similarly, Marilyn will try to steer clear of suggesting expenses that go beyond our agreed-upon limits. - Practicing Trust and Grace
The foundation of our approach lies in two words: trust and grace. I’m learning not to let fear drive my reactions. Financial fears often lead to toxic communication, but when I trust God’s provision, it’s easier to respond with gentleness.
Grace also plays a crucial role. Neither of us will execute our plan perfectly. Marilyn will need grace when I get snippy about a small purchase, and I’ll need grace when she decides we need to refresh the bathroom paint or add a few inexpensive plants to our front yard.
PRACTICAL TIPS FOR COUPLES
Here are five steps we’re trying—and you might find them helpful, too:
- Pause Before Reacting
Don’t discuss finances within 24 hours of reviewing the credit card bill. Take time to process before diving into a conversation. - Recognize Efforts
Point out and affirm where your spouse is honoring your financial goals. Maybe they skipped buying something they wanted or shopped for deals. - Be Generous with Each Other
Treat your spouse more generously than anyone else. This might mean saying “yes” to a small expense that makes them happy. - Invest in Your Marriage
Marriage troubles and divorce can be devastating emotionally and financially. Spending wisely on date nights or counseling is an investment that pays dividends. - Pursue God Together
Trusting in God’s provision can reduce financial stress. When you’re confident He will meet your needs, you’re less likely to argue about them.
A FINAL WORD
If finances are a struggle in your marriage, you’re not alone. Take heart. Be patient with each other, work together, and grow in trust and grace. A united approach to money can strengthen your relationship far more than any budget ever will.
