🎙️In this episode of the Grace Marriage podcast, Brad & Marilyn, alongside Rick, are talking about the powerful, often unnoticed impact of your family of origin on your marriage. Whether it’s how you handle money, deal with conflict, spend your weekends, or load the dishwasher, your upbringing subtly shapes your expectations—and sometimes creates tension in your relationship. Together, the team dives into the humor, heartache, and hope of merging two family legacies into one new, grace-filled home.
The Unseen Influence of Family of Origin
Marriage isn’t just the blending of two people—it’s the blending of two entire worlds. Your childhood home, your parents’ habits, even the brand of ketchup you used (hello, Heinz fans!), can all show up in your new marriage in ways you don’t expect.
Brad jokes about keeping a three-ring binder checkbook just like his dad, even though checks are almost obsolete. Marilyn expected Brad to pick up his dad’s habit of doing the dishes after dinner—he didn’t. And then there’s the classic “marriage myth” that you marry a person, not their family. But the truth is, you often marry into rhythms, assumptions, and patterns shaped by years of example.
These differences can become sources of frustration if not acknowledged. Maybe you grew up in a sports-centric home while your spouse didn’t. Maybe your parents talked through every decision together and theirs just “went with the flow.” Whatever the case, you bring those expectations into marriage—often without realizing it.
Talking About What You Saw—and What You Want to Build
One of the most helpful things couples can do is take time to talk about how they were raised. Not just what you saw but also what you felt, what was modeled, and even what was missing.
Brad and Marilyn reflect on how they didn’t really have those conversations before they married. Yet over time, they’ve come to see how essential it is. You don’t have to copy everything from your parents, but neither do you have to discard it all. Instead, you can be intentional—choosing what you want to carry forward and what you want to leave behind.
The key is creating your own family culture together. Take the best of both backgrounds, throw in a lot of grace, and decide together how you want to live, love, and lead in your home.
Leaving, Cleaving, and Loving with Boundaries
The biblical instruction to “leave and cleave” isn’t just poetic—it’s practical. And it’s hard.
For some, leaving means creating healthy distance from parents who may try to over-involve themselves in your decisions. For others, it means resisting the urge to run to mom or dad every time your spouse frustrates you. Brad shares about a season where he felt Marilyn always sided with her parents, even when his opinion differed. It took honest conversation and intentional growth for them to become truly united as a couple.
Marilyn shares the importance of protecting your spouse from unhelpful family criticism. That means speaking up if your parents make a disrespectful comment. It doesn’t mean dishonoring them—it means choosing to build up your marriage first and foremost.
Boundaries can be uncomfortable, but they’re crucial for cultivating a healthy marriage where both spouses feel seen, supported, and safe.
Grace for the Journey
This process of blending two family backgrounds isn’t a one-time conversation—it’s a lifelong journey. You’ll discover new things about each other as years go on. Sometimes, old habits will creep back in. Sometimes, family dynamics will resurface in stressful seasons.
But here’s the good news: with grace, you don’t have to get it all right the first time. You just have to keep growing, talking, forgiving, and building—together.
As Brad beautifully puts it, “Marilyn’s parenting has made me a better parent. I hope I’ve made her more laid back. The differences we bring make us better.” That’s the beauty of marriage—when done in grace, your differences aren’t deficits. They’re gifts.
A Word to Church Leaders
Church leaders, your influence on the marriages in your congregation is significant—and it starts with your own.
First, a word of encouragement for your marriage: Don’t underestimate the impact your family background may still have on your relationship, even years in. Set aside time with your spouse to reflect on what habits, assumptions, or patterns you’ve carried into your marriage—and how they’ve shaped your dynamic. Then, have a grace-filled conversation about what you want your marriage legacy to be moving forward.
And second, here’s how you can encourage others in your church: Start normalizing these kinds of conversations among couples. Preach and teach on the importance of understanding family of origin. Equip small group leaders and counselors with tools to help couples process their past and plan for a healthy future. Create space for stories and mentorship so couples can learn from others who have navigated these same waters.
The more we help couples see their past clearly, the better they’ll be able to build a future marked by unity, understanding, and grace.
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