Episode Overview
In this episode of the Grace Marriage Podcast, Brad and Marilyn Rhodes sit down with Rick to unpack the heartbeat of Grace Marriage—grace itself. They share how learning to move from a performance-based marriage to a grace-based marriage completely transformed their home, their parenting, and their relationship with one another. From breaking free of scorekeeping to embracing unconditional love, they explore what it looks like to put your marriage under grace, not law. Whether you’re a couple just starting out or decades into marriage, this episode will encourage you to breathe, let go of perfection, and build your relationship on the steady foundation of God’s grace.
Living a Grace-Based Marriage: Moving Beyond Performance
“How do you do it with five kids?” people often ask Brad and Marilyn. Their answer isn’t about a perfectly organized home or a flawless parenting system. It’s this: grace changed everything.
When grace entered their marriage, the atmosphere of their home shifted. The pressure to perform lifted. Their conversations became gentler, their conflicts shorter, and their love steadier. The secret was no longer trying harder but resting in the grace of Jesus and extending that same grace to one another.
What Grace Really Means in Marriage
Many couples feel the weight of performance in their relationship. If the house is in order, if communication is smooth, if intimacy is regular, then the marriage feels “good.” But if one person slips or doesn’t meet a set standard, suddenly everything feels fragile. It’s a rollercoaster.
That’s what Brad and Marilyn call a performance-based marriage.
Grace rewrites the story. Grace says, “I love you not because you deserve it today, but because I’ve been loved undeservedly by Christ.” It is not earned, bargained for, or withdrawn when expectations aren’t met. Grace steadies a marriage so it’s no longer on an emotional rollercoaster of good days and bad days—it rests on something far more solid.
Grace Changes the Atmosphere
When Brad first experienced God’s grace in a deeper way, Marilyn noticed a transformation. The intensity and pressure that once weighed down their home lifted. Parenting became lighter. Their interactions as a couple were marked more by forgiveness than frustration.
Marilyn described it this way: “It felt like I could breathe. The atmosphere in our home became kinder, more forgiving. Our kids still had their issues, but they didn’t get on my nerves as bad.”
Grace doesn’t remove life’s difficulties, but it changes how you walk through them. Instead of weeks of cold distance after conflict, grace allows a couple to confess quickly, forgive freely, and laugh again by morning.
Grace Is Not a Free Pass
Some may wonder, Does grace mean ignoring problems? Absolutely not. Extending grace does not mean tolerating abuse, infidelity, or destructive patterns. Grace does not enable sin—it creates the safety to confront it.
When an issue creates a wall in the relationship, the most loving thing a spouse can do is to address it. The difference is in the posture. Instead of accusation, grace approaches with humility: “I love you. I don’t want a wall between us. Can we talk about this?”
In fact, grace is often more motivating than criticism. It opens space for the Holy Spirit to convict and heal, rather than forcing a spouse into defensiveness.
A Counter-Cultural Way of Living
Our culture often tells us to “look out for yourself,” “live your truth,” or “do what makes you happy.” But scripture flips this upside down. Jesus taught that whoever loses their life will find it. Fulfillment doesn’t come from self-promotion but from self-giving.
Grace is radically counter-cultural. It chooses to love even when feelings say otherwise. It moves toward reconciliation rather than retreating in self-preservation. It mirrors the cross—vertical grace received from God, extended horizontally to one another.
The Why Behind It All
If grace is so powerful, why don’t more couples live this way? Often it’s because we get the why wrong. If the goal is simply a happier marriage, grace may be abandoned as soon as it feels ineffective. But if the goal is obedience to Christ, then extending grace becomes an act of worship.
Brad put it this way: “We love because God first loved us. I’m not loving Marilyn so I can have a better marriage. I’m loving her because I’m a follower of Jesus, and this is what obedience looks like.”
When grace is rooted in the Gospel, it sustains even through seasons when feelings run cold. Love becomes a choice empowered by Christ, not a transaction dependent on circumstances.
A Word to Church Leaders
Pastors and ministry leaders, you carry the weight of shepherding others, often at the cost of your own margin. The pressure to perform is real—sermons to write, people to visit, programs to run. It’s easy for that same performance mindset to seep into your marriage.
But your spouse doesn’t need a perfect pastor; they need a partner who gives grace. Your marriage doesn’t rest on ministry success or flawless behavior. It rests on the same grace you preach every Sunday.
When you choose grace at home—when you love your spouse without keeping score, when you forgive quickly and reconcile often—you embody the Gospel in a way no sermon can replicate. Your congregation and children need to see that grace lived out just as much as they need to hear it proclaimed.
So, let grace free you. Free you from performing. Free you from measuring your marriage by “how well you’re doing.” Free you to rest in the love of Christ and extend that love to your spouse. In doing so, you model not just a healthy marriage but a living testimony of the grace of Jesus.
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