Just Because…

There are two very different kinds of relationships.

In one, you hear from someone mostly when they want or need something from you. They may ask questions and seem interested in your life, but eventually you realize there was an agenda behind the conversation.

In the other, someone reaches out simply because they care about you. There is no request. No favor. No hidden agenda. They just want to know how you are doing.

They call just because.
They ask just because.
They listen just because.

I once experienced the first kind of relationship with a financial adviser. I had recently moved to town, and he invited me to lunch. The conversation started with questions about me and my life, and I thought he genuinely wanted to get to know me.

Then I realized what was happening.

The first twenty minutes were simply the setup for the sales pitch.

I wasn’t being pursued. I was being prospected.

It made me laugh afterward, but it also made me think about marriage.

When Marriage Becomes “Errand Talk”

It is easy for a husband and wife to slowly slip into a communication pattern that sounds like this:

“Who’s picking up the kids?”

“What are we doing for dinner?”

“Can you stop by the grocery store?”

“Did you pay that bill?”

“What time will you be home?”

“Don’t forget we have an appointment tomorrow.”

There is nothing wrong with these conversations. Someone has to pick up the kids and figure out dinner!

The problem comes when that becomes most of the communication.

You can talk to your spouse all day long and still not really talk to your spouse.

Your conversations become about what needs to get done rather than what is happening inside the person you love.

You know what they need from the grocery store, but do you know what is weighing on their heart?

You know what time they will be home, but do you know how their day really went?

You know what is on the calendar, but do you know what they are excited about, worried about, dreaming about, or praying about?

A marriage can slowly become a functional partnership where two people work hard together to keep life moving.

The bills get paid.
The children get where they need to go.
The house gets taken care of.
The schedule gets managed.

Everything works.

But somewhere along the way, the relationship gets neglected.

Don’t Just Talk When You Need Something

Your spouse shouldn’t feel like the person you contact when you need information, help, a decision, or a favor.

Be the spouse who reaches out just because.

Call to see how they are doing.

Send a text because you were thinking about them.

Ask about something they mentioned a few days ago.

Sit down and ask, “How are you really doing?”

Then listen.

Don’t immediately try to fix it. Don’t check your phone. Don’t turn the conversation into another task to accomplish.

Just be interested.

There is something powerful about knowing that the person you married is interested in you, not simply in what you can do.

Marriage needs more than teamwork. It needs friendship. It needs pursuit. It needs curiosity. It needs conversations that have nothing to accomplish.

It needs those little reminders that say:

I still want to know you.

I still care about what is happening in your heart.

I still choose you.

Talk “Just Because”

This week, make an intentional effort to move beyond the errands and the schedule.

Ask your spouse:

“What’s something you’ve been thinking about lately that we haven’t talked about?”

Or:

“What’s something you’re looking forward to right now?”

Or simply:

“How is your heart?”

Then listen.

Don’t make it a problem to solve. Just make it a moment to connect.

And look for simple ways to show your spouse you care:

Send a text or call. Not because you need an answer, but because you want to remind them you’re thinking about them.

Leave a thoughtful note. A simple “I love you,” “I’m proud of you,” or “I was thinking about you today” can mean so much.

Be fully present. Put down the phone, turn off the television, and give your spouse your attention.

Listen without fixing. Sometimes your spouse doesn’t need an answer. They just need to know their thoughts and feelings matter to you.

Pray together. Bring your hopes, concerns, and needs before God together.

Don’t let your marriage become a business partnership with a shared calendar.

Talk about the kids. Talk about dinner. Talk about the bills.

But also talk about each other.

Pursue your spouse.

Be curious about your spouse.

Listen to your spouse.

And every once in a while, reach out…

Just because.