The other night, I did the nighttime ritual of de-pillowing our bed before we went to sleep. I slid the pillows off the bed and onto the floor beside it. Marilyn told me she would prefer that I stack the pillows in the chair by the window instead of putting them on the floor.
In my mind, this made ZERO sense.
First, why do we have to arrange nine pillows on a bed every morning? Then, when we are ready to go to sleep, those pillows need to be stacked in a chair. I struggle to find any rational basis for the entire process.
I started to ignore the request, but then decided to just comply.
For the past two weeks, not one of those pillows has hit the carpet. It is not a big thing, and Marilyn really hasn’t noticed much. But you know what she would have noticed? If I had continued putting them on the floor.
It would have sent a message that I don’t care about her preferences.
It takes about 19 seconds longer to put the pillows on the chair than to slide them onto the floor. Even though I am getting into bed 19 seconds later than usual, Marilyn gets a message that I am responsive to her.
And that brings me to something important about marriage: the things our spouse asks of us may seem small and insignificant to us, but they may not be small to them.
We can easily dismiss these requests because, from our perspective, they don’t seem important. We might think, Why does this matter? or Does it really make a difference?
But marriage isn’t always about whether something makes sense to us. Sometimes it is about recognizing that it matters to the person we love.
These little requests add up.
Putting the pillows in the chair. Turning off the light. Calling when you said you would. Picking something up on the way home. Listening to a story you’ve heard before. Doing something the way your spouse prefers, even when you would do it differently.
None of these things, by themselves, are likely to change a marriage.
But together, they communicate something powerful:
I hear you.
I see you.
You matter to me.
Your preferences matter to me.
The health of a marriage largely depends on how responsive spouses are to one another. Responsiveness communicates care and love. Non-responsiveness can send the opposite message, that my preferences matter more to me than yours.
We often think love is demonstrated through the big things: anniversaries, vacations, gifts, romantic dates, and grand gestures. Those things can certainly matter. But much of the experience of being loved is built in the ordinary moments of everyday life.
Love is often found in the extra 19 seconds.
Remember the Scripture that says, “Consider the interests of others above yourselves.”
Being responsive doesn’t mean that we have to agree with every preference or fulfill every request. It means we care enough to listen, consider, and respond when we reasonably can.
And honestly, it is a lot easier to spend a few extra seconds stacking pillows in a chair than to live in a cold, distant, or contentious marriage.
Sometimes love looks like doing something that makes absolutely no sense to you, because it makes a difference to the person you love.
