🎙️In this deeply engaging episode, Brad and Marilyn welcome Dr. Juli Slattery, a clinical psychologist and founder of Authentic Intimacy, to unpack the often-taboo subject of sex within Christian marriage. Dr. Slattery emphasizes the importance of shifting the conversation from frequency to intimacy, helping couples reframe sexual connection as a sacred journey rather than a checklist.
Topics include:
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How often married couples “should” have sex (and why that’s the wrong question).
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Navigating mismatched desires and seasons of difficulty.
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The harmful effects of pornography and how it distorts expectations.
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Why calling sex a “need” can undermine its beauty and power.
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How discipleship and open communication foster a thriving sex life.
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Practical resources to guide couples toward healing and connection.
✍️ “Sex, Intimacy, and the Gospel: Rediscovering God’s Vision for the Marriage Bed”
In a world saturated with confusing messages about sex, many Christian couples are quietly struggling. Some feel disillusioned, some feel disconnected, and others are just plain stuck. But in this recent conversation on the Grace Marriage Podcast, Dr. Juli Slattery reminds us that sex in marriage is not about performance—it’s about connection, healing, and discipleship.
The Wrong Question: “How Often Should We Be Having Sex?”
It’s a question almost every married couple has wondered about: How often should we be having sex? According to Dr. Slattery, the answer isn’t a number—it’s a mindset. A vibrant sex life in marriage isn’t measured in frequency, but in intimacy. There are seasons of closeness and seasons of struggle. What matters is not the calendar—it’s whether you’re walking toward one another with grace, vulnerability, and intentional love.
Intimacy > Activity
You can be sexually active and yet feel miles apart emotionally. Dr. Slattery gently challenges couples to ask deeper questions:
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Are we building true intimacy?
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Are we emotionally and spiritually connected?
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What’s getting in the way of mutual joy in this area?
These questions shift the focus from duty to desire, from pressure to partnership.
Why “Needs” Language Can Hurt
One of the most powerful moments in the conversation is when Dr. Slattery questions the use of the word “need” when it comes to sex. In marriage, viewing sex as a need that must be met can create pressure, entitlement, and shame. Instead, she encourages couples to see sex as a powerful gift from God—one that invites us to love sacrificially, not demand selfishly.
The Silent Saboteur: Pornography’s Lingering Impact
Many couples enter marriage assuming that tying the knot will resolve their private battles with pornography. But the reality is more sobering. Porn doesn’t just affect what we do—it reshapes how we think about sex. It trains our minds to expect instant gratification without emotional connection or self-sacrifice.
Marriage, by contrast, requires patience, understanding, and deep trust. Healing from pornography isn’t just about stopping a behavior—it’s about retraining your heart and mind to love in a way that reflects Christ.
Real Conversations: The Missing Ingredient in Marital Sex
Shame, embarrassment, and fear keep many couples from discussing sex openly. Dr. Slattery offers a practical solution: start by reading or listening to trusted Christian resources together. Let someone else provide the words, and then use those moments to spark your own conversations.
It’s not about saying everything perfectly—it’s about being willing to talk, listen, and grow together.
Resources to Start the Journey
If you’re ready to go deeper, Dr. Slattery recommends beginning with:
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“God, Sex, and Your Marriage” (by Juli Slattery)
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“Java with Juli” Podcast
She also highlights her upcoming book “Surrendered Sexuality”—a discipleship guide that helps individuals and couples bring their sexuality under the lordship and love of Jesus.
Final Word: Sex Isn’t Just About You—It’s About the Gospel
Christian marriage invites us to a love that looks like Christ—sacrificial, gentle, patient, and faithful. Sex isn’t separate from that. In fact, when rightly understood, it becomes one of the most profound expressions of the gospel we live and proclaim in our homes.
So whether your sex life is thriving or needs a fresh start, remember: it’s never just about a number—it’s about becoming one, again and again, with grace.
A Word for Pastors and Church Leaders
As pastors and leaders, we are called not only to shepherd God’s people in spiritual matters but also to guide them through every aspect of life—including sexual health and intimacy. Dr. Juli Slattery’s work at Authentic Intimacy offers powerful tools to equip leaders for this calling, helping pastors tend both their own marriages and empower couples in their congregations.
1. Strengthen Your Own Marriage First
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Live it out: Embrace Dr. Slattery’s principle to pursue Jesus first and let ministry—and marital intimacy—follow, just as Brad shared on the podcast.
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Model vulnerability: Share honestly about navigating intimacy in marriage seasons of busyness, stress, or imbalance. When leaders model openness, others feel safe doing the same.
2. Build Gospel-Centered Sexual Discipleship in Your Church
Authentic Intimacy’s AI Leader platform equips pastors through:
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E-courses, webinars, book studies, and monthly Office Hours with Juli—all geared toward healthy sexual discipleship
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Leader Cohorts: Live eight-week small groups where pastors and ministry leaders learn together with trained facilitators. These cohorts offer practical discussions on topics like biblical sexuality, sexual brokenness, singleness, and gender roles
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