In every marriage, communication is both a challenge and an opportunity. One of the most destructive patterns I’ve seen in my own relationship is what I call the “Explain, Justify, Defend” cycle. It sounds like this: your spouse expresses a concern or frustration, and you immediately jump in to explain your perspective, justify your actions, or defend your decision.
But what if that reaction—though often well-intentioned—is actually creating more distance than connection?
Recently, my wife Marilyn expressed frustration with how I had been handling a work-related issue. My default was to explain my side. The next time she brought it up, I did the same thing—defend my choices, thinking I was helping her understand me. But all I was doing was talking past her.
Finally, I decided to be quiet. Instead of explaining, I asked questions and really listened. She talked for thirty minutes—uninterrupted. Not long after, I got a text from her:
“Thanks for hearing me. It means a lot. I felt heard.”
That message meant the world to me. And it taught me a profound truth: True listening builds trust. It opens the door to emotional and spiritual intimacy.
The Biblical Call to Listen First
Scripture speaks clearly about the power of listening:
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“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” – James 1:19
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“A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” – Proverbs 18:2
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“Live with your wives in an understanding way…” – 1 Peter 3:7
God’s Word tells us that listening is not optional—it’s part of wisdom, humility, and love.
So here’s the challenge for all of us: Replace the urge to explain, justify, and defend with a commitment to listen and learn. It will dramatically reduce arguments, increase understanding, and deepen your marital connection.
When Can I Share My Perspective?
There is a time to speak—but it’s not when your spouse first opens up. The initial response must be listening. Give them space to be fully heard. Then sit with what was said. Pray about it. Reflect. And if needed, go back and share your thoughts with grace and patience.
Remember:
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Listening and interest in others is a mark of humility.
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Defensiveness and the need to express your opinion first is a sign of pride.
Choose humility. God gives grace to the humble—and people tend to as well.
A Word to Pastors and Church Leaders
As spiritual shepherds, your marriage is both a ministry and a model. If you’re honest, you may struggle with the same “explain, justify, defend” reflex in your own marriage. Ministry leaders often feel the need to manage perceptions and solve problems—even at home.
But your spouse doesn’t need a sermon or a solution—they need your presence and empathy.
Here are a few ways you can lean into this:
1. Lead by Listening in Your Own Marriage
Your pulpit starts at home. Let your spouse see that they have your full attention. Resist the urge to fix or teach. Be quick to listen and slow to speak—even if you feel misunderstood.
2. Model Vulnerability in Your Ministry
Talk honestly (and appropriately) about your own learning in marriage. Let your congregation know you’re a work in progress. That kind of transparency builds trust and gives others permission to grow, too.
3. Equip Your Church with These Principles
Use premarital counseling, marriage small groups, and sermons to teach the power of listening. Encourage couples to replace defensiveness with curiosity. Show them the biblical foundation for humility in communication.
Your example can shape a culture of healthy, grace-filled relationships. Start with your own marriage—and let that transformation ripple out through your ministry.
Brad Rhoads is co-founder of Grace Marriage.
Brad Rhoads is co-founder of Grace Marriage.