“Unfortunately, for many, when the courtship is over, the courtship is over.”
When my wife and I first married, she told me something I’ll never forget:
“You were great at dating. You’re terrible at being married.”
“The honeymoon was over before the honeymoon was over.”
It was a wake-up call. The difficult transition from dating to marriage often happens because couples stop doing the very things that brought them together in the first place. During courtship, we’re intentional, planning time together, learning each other’s likes, and expressing love freely. But once married, life crowds in, and intentionality fades.
Here’s the truth: when couples date regularly, most other marriage problems tend to take care of themselves.
There’s a unique healing and connecting power in spending time together, real, uninterrupted time. The more time I spend with my wife, the easier it becomes to love her deeply and extend grace freely.
That’s why I recommend one date night a week and one overnight getaway every three months.
You can become an expert dater by being regular, thoughtful, and creative in your pursuit of your spouse.
Be Regular
For more than two decades, weekly date nights have been the fuel that keeps our marriage running smoothly.
We stay connected by stepping away from the demands of work, kids, and home life, just the two of us.
Establish a regular date night and protect it like a treasure. The world will constantly try to squeeze it out, but an investment in your marriage is a wise one.
Be Thoughtful
Scripture reminds us to consider the interests of others above our own (Philippians 2:3).
When we learn and lean into each other’s unique interests, dating becomes a source of joy and refreshment.
Marilyn knows I love golf, so she plans a golf date and rides along in the cart with me. I know she loves exercise, so our dates often start with a walk, jog, or rollerblading session.
A great exercise is to list your spouse’s hobbies and brainstorm ways to build dates around those things. Thoughtful dating communicates, “I see you, I value you, and I’m paying attention.”
Be Creative
Ephesians 5:16 tells us to make the most of every opportunity.
Creativity breathes life into your relationship. Don’t settle for the question, “What do you want to do tonight?”
Instead, plan ahead. Ask God for wisdom on how to bless your spouse uniquely. Borrow a canoe, hike a trail, plan a picnic, or wear your spouse’s favorite color.
Not every date will be amazing; some will flop. But even a bad date night is better than no date night at all.
Overcoming Common Obstacles
Of course, there will be challenges. Time, money, kids, and complacency can easily derail your dating rhythm. But each obstacle can be overcome with intentionality.
1. Time
We’re all busy, but if you think you don’t have time to date your spouse, you probably need it the most.
With five kids, a marriage ministry, and leading Grace Marriage, my wife and I still make weekly date nights happen. If your schedule is too full to prioritize your marriage, your schedule is too full. Say “no” to lesser things so you can say “yes” to what matters most.
2. Finances
Dating doesn’t have to be expensive. Early in our marriage, we traded babysitting with another couple and enjoyed coffee by the river. Connection, not cost, is the goal.
Go for a walk, ride bikes, have a picnic, or grab ice cream. The best dates are often the simplest.
3. Kids
One of the best things you can do for your kids is to have a strong marriage.
When we go on dates, I’m showing my children what it looks like to love their mother well. A thriving marriage creates security, stability, and joy for your family.
4. Complacency
If you’re thinking, “We hang out at home every night. Do we really need a date night?” the answer is yes.
Getting out of the house helps you truly focus on each other, free from household distractions. Ask your spouse out. Pursue them. Even after decades of marriage, that pursuit still matters.
Avoid using date night to run errands or default to double dates. Those have their place, but your marriage deserves undivided attention.
A Legacy of Love
Beyond our walk with Christ, regular date nights have been the single most transformative practice in our marriage.
They not only bless your relationship today but build a lifetime of memories to cherish. I’ve heard widows and widowers reflect fondly on their years of creative, joyful dating, and it’s a reminder that these moments matter more than we realize.
Dating your spouse isn’t just about fun; it’s about faithfulness. It’s about choosing love, again and again.
So take the challenge. Put it on the calendar. Make dating a rhythm of your marriage and watch love grow deeper, steadier, and more alive than ever.
