When It’s OK to Not Be Included

When It’s OK to Not Be Included 

Something strange happened in my early/mid 30’s. I had finally “arrived” in life. I was married to the hottest guy on the planet, I had my masters and licensure, we bought a beautiful home and had 2 amazing children. Life was “Instagram” perfect. Ok, now for the weird part.

I had never been one to worry much about fitting in, but it slowly became something that I was longing for in my life. I remember seeing individuals/couples at church/work/community and thinking, “I wish I/we could hang out with them.”  My husband and I also began to talk about how we felt left out at times and had a desire to be more involved with specific people in our life.

I remember thinking maybe Satan was preventing us from having these relationships because these were good, decent people. The desire for church/community/work connection was something we both longed for, but for some reason, we could not obtain it. It had to be Satan stopping it!!!!! (That’s what I thought)

Then it got even weirder. We started to be included. We finally received what we thought we wanted, but it did not last long. We thought we wanted to be part of the “in crowd”, and God had defeated Satan, and we were getting connected. However, what we did not realize is that some of these connections and situations were everything we never wanted.

We began to experience people trying to critique our marriage, make fun of us for not smoking weed or being willing to get drunk, trying to shame us for not using profanity, questioning and criticizing healthy boundaries we established in our marriage. They thought we were  judgmental when we chose not to agree or participate in things in which we did not agree/believe or was not Biblical.

We tried to rationalize the situations, make excuses to stay in some of the relationships, but in the end, we decided that it was not healthy for our marriage or our family. We had to make the hard decision to add some separating in some areas of our life. Again, I blamed Satan!!!!

If we would not have walked away when we did, we could have become desensitized. The sin we felt convicted of would have become normalized. When something is normal, it doesn’t phase you anymore and you are more likely to participate in what you now view as normal. It would not have been long until we might have slowly compromised our relationship with God, our marriage, and our family. Protecting that was far more important than “fitting in”.

Some of these situations were well over a decade ago and some were just a few years ago. Some of the people we pulled back from are still wonderful people we associate with; others refuse to speak to us and there is no relationship.

So let’s jump forward, I’m now 43. As I was walking in my neighborhood this past week, I was listening to my Bible app and my Christian hip/hop mix (I’d like to think I’m a “cool” 43 LOL) and it occurred to me that I give that punk satan (I’m not even going to capitalize his name) way too much credit. As I was reflecting on my social life, my marriage, friendship, work, and family, it occurred to me that it was God all along.

See, God is a parent to us. He lets us enter situations/experiences and then lets us make our own decisions. However, like a good parent, he’s watching us and is there to give advice, help, or warn us when we are in danger. I believe that is what God did in my situations over the many years. I will say it has not been fun. Is it ever fun when mom and dad step in and say that a relationship is not good for you, and you can’t hang out with specific people or no you can’t go to that place with your friends?! Discipline is not enjoyable, and it’s hard to learn from it when you are in the middle of it. Now, looking back, I can see that I needed a father to step in and tell me to remove myself. I’m so thankful for my heavenly father who showed me my situations would lead to compromise and compromise would lead to destruction of my life.

As I sit here writing this, I cannot help but wonder if I would have resisted discipline and failed to rely on scripture:

• Would I believe differently?
• Would I indulge in substances?
• Would my language be offensive to God?
• Would I participate in unbiblical religious practices?
• Would I be a gossip or slander people?
• Would my husband and I still be married?
• Would my kids have rejected Jesus because their parents are hypocrites and chose fitting in with the world over obeying the Lord?

I beg you, be ok with not being accepted. Be ok feeling left out. Be ok with a small inner circle. Be ok not being in the IG/FB photos. Be ok not being invited to the parties (trust me!!!). Be ok with your father saying “No”.

Your relationships with God, your marriage and your children are so much more important than status at work/in the community/at church. Let nothing sway or temp you to compromise, though it is hard, it is worth it.

Take some time to examine your past and present struggles and reflect on what your Father is saving you or your marriage from. Spend time in prayer, talk to your spouse and have an honest conversation about if your Father is wanting to remove you from unhealthy, compromising situations (as an individual or as a couple).

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live!  They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Hebrews 12:4-11:

^“4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. ⁵ And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

⁷ Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? ⁸ If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. ⁹ Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! ¹⁰ They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹ No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”